End of orientation.

What a long week.
I really hope I remember even half of the information thrown at me last week. If I just remember where the research cabinet is, and the pantry, and I always show up early for shifts I should be OK. My first shift is research. I think that’s a very good thing. I can get my bearing in the emergency department, and talk to patients in a controlled manner. I’ll have explicit instructions, and know exactly what it is I’m doing, which will be nice. My Tuesday shift is in peds I think, which will be more difficult because I’m still not sure what the boundary is regarding sharing information on minors, and the nurses and doctors aren’t sure either, so everyone’s extra cautious about volunteers there. I am excited to jump right in, as usual. I’m the one who dives into cold water before the rest of my friends, who makes the final decision when it comes to what we’ll eat, where we’ll go, and what have you. I may be indecisive by my standards, but that’s because I really appreciate directness and good decision-making skills, and leadership.
We were all given a reading list that I’m excited to get started on. There’s so much I can learn this summer. And I should take a diagnostic MCAT. I hate that a standardized test stands between me and my dream career. Well, two standardized tests actually. At least two. But in a way that’s a big part of why I chose medicine, and why it chose me. I want guidance, requirements, little boxes to check off on my to-do list. It makes me feel secure to know that the biggest factor in my success will be sheer dedication and hard work. Sure, its great to be intelligent, and creative, and have a good bedside manner, but at the end of the day there’s a list of things one must do to become a doctor, and to get through the list you just need to keep plugging away. I hope I can interact with patients. To say I’m not the best talker is an understatement. Some people can make conversation with anyone, and they never seem awkward. I am not one of those people. And I guess I don’t have to magically become sociable to excel in this internship. But I will have to meet new people every single day, and do my best to make them feel…actually I’m not even sure. Make them feel like someone cares and is looking out for them, even though they’ve been waiting for 5 hours and haven’t seen a doctor yet. Make them feel less like patients and more like people? I know that everyone, truly everyone, has something interesting to say, and I know to reserve judgment about people because I usually end up being wrong. I’m not naïve enough to think that there are some people whose lives are so far outside the scope of my experience that we won’t have anything to say to each other. At the very least I could ask those people questions. I can’t wait to meet people who challenge me and make me think. I like to hear everyone’s story. We had a speaker who ran a workshop on doing HIV testing outreach in the emergency room, and she kind of rubbed me the wrong way because she asked everyone to write down a quality we liked about ourselves. I wrote that I’m a good listener, which is true, but she made a comment that saying you’re a good listener can just be an excuse not to step out of your comfort zone and talk to patients. I have not intention of standing in a corner and watching people, much as I might want to do that. When I have HIV outreach shifts I’m going to introduce myself to every single person in the ER and give the spiel about testing, both because I think HIV testing is super important, and because I want to prove Ms. Extroverted HIV counselor wrong. Yes, I always get I for Introvert on the Meyers Briggs test, and yes, I know that most people think extroversion is an essential trait in physicians. I’m quiet but I’m passionate about medicine, and more importantly, about people.
I can’t wait to get started tomorrow.